Copyright © 2011 Sex Information Resources All Rights Reserved
Female sexuality and intercourse
Orgasm during intercourse
A woman may feel, after she has been in relationship for a few months, that her partner does not really love her, or she may discover that she does not really love him as she believed she did.
Or she may get the idea that he wants to fuck her too often, that he is not really expressing his love through sex, but is using her body merely as a means of getting relief from sexual tension, despite the fact that he takes his time over his lovemaking and has acquired quite skilful sexual techniques.
She may discover that he has various little irritating habits which make him less sexually attractive than he originally seemed. She may need to reconnect with him through seduction techniques and the use of dating tips for men.
One young woman came to me not long ago who had been brought up in a sexually liberal family. She had seen both parents and her two older brothers naked from childhood until she left home at twenty. She had enjoyed two fulfilling sexual affairs.
I was to discover that by coincidence her father, brothers and two lovers had all been circumcised. Her husband, with whom she did not have sex and whom she did not see naked until after they were married, was not circumcised, and in addition had a very long foreskin, which he habitually wore forward, though it retracted quite easily.
She found the appearance of his penis so physically unaesthetic that she had difficulty in accepting what she called 'that deformed cock' in her vagina, and although she did let him penetrate her, all the time they were having sex she visualized it moving backwards and forwards inside her.
'I just can't help it,' she told me. 'I know I am being absolutely unreasonable, but I can't let myself go. He tries every way he can think of to help me reach orgasm when we make love, but I can't come. (Peyronie's disease is discussed here.)
I either have to masturbate to orgasm or have him do me orally after he's come and lost his erection. I can't even come if he gives me cunnilingus while I know he's got an erection. What can we do?'
'Do you think he would agree to be circumcised?' I suggested. 'I don't know. But would it work?' 'I can't be absolutely certain,' I told her, 'but I think it would be worth trying.' When I explained the position to the man, he readily agreed to be circumcised, and happily it worked.
The first time they were able to enjoy sex after the operation, she had not one, but three orgasms. I don't think she will ever be able to make love satisfactorily with an uncircumcised man.
Many of the psychological causes of the woman being unable to reach orgasm during having sex have no connection with the partner.
Women who have been brought up to believe sex is not quite decent almost invariably develop anorgasmia after marriage. This is particularly true where the mother has herself developed a deep-rooted dislike of all sexual activity.
The condition in such cases is quite a severe one because she cannot accept freely the sexual caresses of her husband, let alone his enjoying sex with her.
In fact, she rarely knows how to achieve orgasm during sex at all, because she is inhibited from masturbation and finds her partner's stimulation of the clitoris and his oral stimulation of her nipples equally produce no response, because she is alienated from her own body.
Fear of pregnancy - not of childbirth, but of producing an unwanted child - is a very common cause of anorgasmia.
Women who have this fear nearly always respond orgasmically to masturbation, and even more readily to their partner's direct stimulation of the clitoral and vaginal areas, especially to cunnilingus.
But as soon as the penis is put into the vagina they 'freeze up', and no amount of pelvic and penile thrusting will produce any sensation. Usually the anorgasmia is removed if the woman has a really safe method of contraception, particularly the Pill.
This fear of pregnancy which has prevented the woman from coming during lovemaking all her life is, of course, removed by the menopause, and this is the reason why many women in their later fifties suddenly seem to become extremely sexy and readily responsive.
Even women who have been able to reach orgasm regularly may find their sexual desire become more urgent and their sexual responsiveness more intense after the menopause merely because the fear of unwanted pregnancy has been removed.
Now look at these emotions. They can almost all cause sexual problems. Shame and anger cause premature ejaculation. Fear and anger and shame can cause delayed ejaculation. This can have massive effects on men and women alike. Check out this page for a definition of delayed ejaculation if you don't know what it is.
Some women who experience strong sexual desire and intensely pleasurable orgasms, and can easily reach orgasm when they masturbate themselves have difficulty reaching orgasm with finger or oral stimulation by their partners, or by penis-vagina contact.
Conscious of their strong sexuality they are afraid that if they really let themselves go while making love, they will shock their partner. If only they knew how much most normal, average men appreciate and get an extra thrill out of enjoying sex with a passionate, uninhibited woman!
Men who have this good fortune are more apt to congratulate themselves on their own prowess as a lover, who is able to make a woman respond so intensely, than to attribute the woman's response to her sexuality.
Certainly, having a powerfully sexual woman in bed is a good way to help a man overcome his own inhibitions, especially where these may have led to a case of ejaculatory inhibition, though I doubt you would find many therapists who would prescribe sex with a highly aroused woman for men with delayed ejaculation!!
Girls who in their teens have formed strong emotional attachments with their fathers, and particularly those who have had recognizable sexualized desires, are very often incapable of reaching orgasm when they have sex with a man. In such case it is usually the unconscious feeling of guilt at betraying the father that sets up the block.
And there are girls who are so keen on providing their own sexual pleasure that they cannot co-operate with another human being, man or woman, even when that co-operation could lead to sexual pleasure for them.
But probably the greatest cause of anorgasmia is the legacy of sexual shame and guilt. Shame is somewhat different from guilt.
We feel guilty that we have not been able to control our actions sufficiently by moral strength or religious precept. Shame, on the other hand, is intensely personal because it springs from feelings of inadequacy.
Sexual inadequacy in the sexual sphere is, by any standard, much more devastating to self-respect than guilt can ever be.
It means more to men than women because men have taken too much to heart the idea that unless they can bring their partner to orgasm every time they make love, they are sexual failures.
In the past, a. man measured his sexual self-esteem by the case with which he could produce an erection, the strength of the erection and his fertility index.
Nowadays, he regards his cock and being able to get an erection reliably without any sign of erectile dysfunction as the most important sign of his maleness and sexual adequacy.