Sexual dysfunction: premature ejaculation & fantasy

Curtis told me he was a premature ejaculator. Whenever anybody says that to me I instantly get a picture of a stopwatch and a vagina, and the story Curtis told didn't do anything to alter the image. I asked him what he meant by "premature ejaculation."

He said, "I put it in and almost right away I ejaculate, before Dorothy is even remotely aroused."

"Tell me," I said, "do you ever masturbate, or did you before you were with Dorothy?"

"Well, sure. Not so much now, but still...."

"Good. Now tell me this. Did you ever ejaculate too fast when you masturbated?"

Curtis laughed.

"You see," I said, 'It's just a point of view. You only come too fast when you're with someone else. Tell me, does it feel good? When you come?"

Curtis smiled and said "Of course it does, but it would be better if...."

"Ah yes. Look, Curtis, I knew a person once who said, 'If only I could last 17 minutes before I ejaculate.' But you know what will be going on in your head, setting it up that way: just as you make seventeen a voice will say, 'Eighteen ... eighteen...' So, Curtis, what you've got now, it's great. It is, isn't it? You said it feels good, right? Well, go with it.

You know how to come fast, so the next time you're with Dorothy, come fast and stop worrying about it. And don't stop. Keep going.

See if you can come again. This time see how fast you can come. And then do it a third time. Get Dorothy involved. Let her know what you want to do ... orgasm and ejaculate as many times in a single afternoon or evening as is humanly possible. Get her to help you with that second and third (and fourth and fifth and whatever) erection and ejaculation.

I bet you'll be able to last longer during sex if you check out these techniques designed to help you control yourself in bed on Rod Phillips' website Staying Power."

Psychologists might call this suggestion paradoxical intention.

This is a process of behavior modification that says you can change your attitude about a problem if you deliberately put yourself into a situation you've been anxious about or currently avoiding. I think it's related to Zen, and "going with".  It's that old cliché - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Don't fight it, go with the flow.

The moral of this story is that some liabilities (bad habits) actually may serve as assets.

Boredom is another example. Being bored is a terrific asset because it opens up a whole bunch of things you can do. Once you notice that you're bored, you may choose to continue being bored.

Or you may think up something new to do that could move you into participation and intense excitement.

The same thing may be said about not enjoying sex for a hundred other reasons. As one client told me, "Not only do I not enjoy sexual intercourse, it's gotten so that I don't enjoy affection or holding and kissing, or anything that might lead to sex or suggest a sexual encounter."

The first time I see a client, I ask him or her to make a tape, following some guidelines that allow them to describe their current problem while explaining some of their sexual past. I do this for several reasons.

First, I figure people talk a lot. I see this - that is, I hear it - all around me every day.

Constantly mouths are moving and information is being transferred. But I notice that most of us never really, truly get a chance to listen to ourselves. And what a shame. So I ask people to make an audio cassette and I tell them to listen to it over and over and over.

Often people will tell a machine things they'd never tell any human. I also figured they'd be pretty truthful if they knew that their partners would never hear the tapes. (When I counsel couples, this is the understanding.)

Who could benefit most from this honesty? I ask myself. Why, the client, of course. When the client comes in with the tape, I ask if he or she listened to it. Most say yes, several times.

And then I ask them to listen again, and this time listen for the assets. I tell them to forget about all the rules and listen for behavior that worked. These are the person's sexual assets.

The odd thing is, sexual fantasy has been given a bad time of it over the years. The writings of Krafft-Ebing and Sigmund Freud, and the infamous Marquis de Sade, are rich in sexual fantasy.

However, rather than consider the possible positive side of such imagining, these men, and others, have focused only on deviant behavior. Some have gone so far as to issue warnings that link masturbatory fantasy with a long list of aberrant activities.

For some people, that may be true. It may also be true that for many people sexual fantasy may serve as a "safety valve" for releasing bottled-up sexual frustrations that are antisocial or unacceptable to the physical or mental welfare of the individual or his / her sex partner.

 It was Freud's opinion that sexual fantasy was no more than a negative response to frustration. I believe that these conclusions (theories?) are firmly stuck in the Left sidedness of sexual fantasy.

For others for -  those who want it so - sexual fantasy can be a powerful moving force, a tool as valuable to the average man and woman as the brush is to the painter.

This tool might also be regarded as a game, called "Create a Productive Fantasy", or "Up Your Orgasm". Like all successful games, it's easy to play and fun. Unlike most other games, however, in Up Your Orgasm, everyone wins.

Fantasies and daydreams, far from being irrelevant and insubstantial (another popular point of view), may be the foundation of serenity and purpose in our lives.

Unimaginative people became easily bored and are less relaxed and independent than highly imaginative people. Unimaginative people want autonomy but have little sense of the planning and slow achievement that might win them real personal freedom.

Lacking the ability to try out, in fantasy and with impunity, a range of possibilities, they seem to be the victims of external forces ... whether drugs, or sights and sounds, or other people. They lack the inner control and quiet sense of purpose that a rich imagination can provide.

A Study of the Sexual Imagination claims sexual fantasy distinguishes human sexuality. We have little cause, therefore, to be either afraid or ashamed of our sex fantasies, aberrant, deviant, and bizarre though they may be. The more intelligent the individual, the greater the role of fantasy in his sex life.

This does not mean that he or she will be governed by sex fantasies to the exclusion of social sex contacts and intense involvement with real sex partners.

But it does mean that a free fantasy life will contribute to creative thinking, whereas mental blocks or inhibitions will interfere with the creative process. The key word is "creative." For to be able to fantasize is to have the ability to form mental representations of things not actually present - an abstract and highly creative act.

Now we get into levels of creativity. Granted, sexual fantasy can be fun and diverting and sometimes (usually with masturbation) a sort of make-do substitute for the Real Thing. But, really, how creative is that?

In the excellent survey, Fundamentals of Human Sexuality, the authors say "...some fantasies revolve around future events and can sometimes be of very definite help in real-life situations. As an individual anticipates problems, plans for contingencies, and mentally rehearses alternative modes of action, such a person lessens anxiety and prepares to cope with novel situations. There is thus a difference between fantasies that substitute for action and those that prepare for it."

Permit me to repeat that final sentence: there is thus a difference between sexual fantasies that substitute for action and those that prepare for it. It is possible through fantasy to leave Left sidedness alone and step into the future, to experience the excitation of Right sidedness through imagining (which is one of the things that the right hemisphere of the brain is so good at).

That is what "creating a productive fantasy" means - putting sexual fantasy to work, using it to gain the future the individual or couple wants in reality.

Dr Ava Pages on Sexual Fantasies For Men and Women


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